My Anger Management

It is probably easier if I could kick and punch every person who make me mad. Or maybe it is a lot more satisfying if I could yelled every harsh words known in both Bahasa and English to the face of the person who make me mad.

The last time I tried to send some angry words to the person who made me mad, I had to ask my Plurk buddies for the best excoriation there is. Unfortunately nice sentence like “you are a peacock in everything but brain” was not a proper excoriation due to the English illiteracy of the person I sent the message to. Duh!!

To convert a guy as a punching bag is not an answer too. I mostly wear skirt and high-heel so it's quite hard to do all those foot steps, kicking and balancing.

To be angry is easy, To channel anger is hard.
This fact is my irritating fact at the moment. It became a serious discussion between me and my husband, Fajar, over the weekend. Because I rather be mad in a huge explosion when I was faced to a cowardice act and also idiotic. I am a person who try to do things appropriately and transparent. And when I failed to do so, I will never hold myself from apologizing. So I thought I was entitled to get a face-to-face confirmation when my act was questioned. Then when the person chose to open the question some other places excluding me, I would consider that rather cowardice.

So (again) here I am, angry, and thinking what is the proper way to channel this anger. Fajar said for me to collect all evidences and send them to those entitled to with a note saying that I was just doing my job as they ruled, and if anybody is refusing to do what's right then he should come to his senses before proceeding to anything. Surely I have all the evidences collected but I haven't sent the note. I don't have much faith on their commitment to what's ruled. Actually I haven't seen any commitment either. --ooopppss this one is confusing--

No, I will not send another e-mail to whole bunch of other people and “fishing in a muddy water”. If I have to defend myself, I will do it in much more integrity.

No, I will not place another excoriation on my Digsby status because I don't want to waste words on people who are too illiterate. On the second thought, they might understand the words but certainly think it is not meant for them. --clearly, I do not understand the exact word to describe such... character--

Forgiveness and forgetting
My friend LillyAnn, on Saturday, raise a subject on her Plurk about forgiveness She said forgiveness releases OURSELVES not necessarily the other person... You could read there too that I shared about how often I forgot I was mad to anybody. I guess I won't forget this particular one easily. I concluded for myself that to forgive is harder than to channel anger. Otherwise I will not write this. Yes, I understand now after I wrote this, that I am not just trying to channel my anger. It is because I haven't forgiven. Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh yes, it will be very hard to forgive any idiotic cowardice act especially when the anger itself haven't been properly channeled. --Gee, I gotta stop talking in circle, bad habit, bad habit!-- I have to go back to what LillyAnn said, I want to be released.

*!#%^$##^%#^$&#^%#*(^%##@%@$% !!!!! It's fuckin' hard !!!

Fajar said then I should channel this anger to something more physical like sport –certainly not by involving anybody as a punching bag-- I need a real punching bag, sand bag, whatever they called. I need to exercise maybe it will help me getting my shape back too. Maybe, just maybe, after those sweating activities I will be able to forgive. Hardly!

--Taking a deep breath-- I may still be angry and confuse how to channel my anger and certain that I won't easily either forgetting or forgiving. I'm still 31, still have a lot to learn. I see this as a good subject to learn. My husband said in this very subject I have a lot of improvement over the last 3-4 years. I'm glad. I know maybe until the end of my time I will never pass on the subject and certainly I will never quit on the subject too.

Yesterday, I hate for being a careful, self-controlled person I am. Today, I am that fortunate person who have a kind, smart, compassion husband who will always say what I need to hear. I am that fortunate person who have friends from around the world to share many thoughts, or to get cool excoriation from. I am glad I am one of those fortunate person who have access to many things including this lovely Tumblr.

I am that fortunate person who have a heaven filled with three little angels to go home to. And for this very one, no one's gonna beat me. No one will be powerful enough to make me feel low. I will go home this afternoon, and when I see my angels' faces, this anger will disappear. When my angels hold my hands, they will lead me to time where I will see I have forgiven.

(article made on June 30, 2008 previously posted in my tumblr)