Since we moved to the new home, an apartment unit 1 floor above my office, on August 2 2008 , I have lunched at home more than I used to in 1 year. The lure for having lunch at home are 3 gorgeous angels by the name of Jeremiah Indigo Divine (Igo), Zipporah Imogen Divine (Immi) and the sweet Malachi Illarion Divine (Ilya).

My lunch will not be as comfortable as sitting in a restaurant which are growing like fungus around the area. Those angels will be literally sitting on me. Igo will be at my legs, Immi usually seats on my knees and Ilya on my lap. If I came when they also having theirs, they will soon leave their own lunch and prefer mine. I think that might be a bad habit but why should I ditch them for having fun with their own mom.

Igo loves to eat. Igo loves to eat he will check whatever we're eating. Igo will stand in front of us, or should I say in front of our plate if we had fried tempe. We didn't encourage him to eat it until we found out he likes it more than french fries. Seems like Igo loves local culinary.

Last long weekend of the Independence day, I gotta spent it without the help of my kids' nanny. But the angels won't be called the angels if they were not behave like one. They were all sweet, happy & cheerful, manageable to quote from the nanny. Our little home were filled with a lot of laughter more than usual. Each of their menaces was every reason to smile.

Immi ran to her dad's computer & play with the keyboard. She's now with a habit of repeating every word she hears.
Mommy: "Imogen........"
(to call her like this instead of just Immi is a sign that she's not allowed to do whatever she's doing)
Immi: "Monkey!"
(she recently got a toy-laptop which could help her to study alphabet, M stands for Monkey in it, and she pronounces it as Mogen)

Life has not been any easier this year, so does work. The angels keep me going and feel strong. Every crazy effort I made were all just worthy.

We took the kids for a second dinner at a food stall. Immi refused to sit & eat her pancake because she preferred to stare at the stall's banner with Goofy picture on it. She kept on calling it "Migy" (for Mickey Mouse which she mistakenly recognized)

God made them for me, God must be in love with me.

We don't talk much, me and Nila. Gosh, she's that kind who will disappear in 6 months and call you almost midnight and say “Hi... I'm in this deserted island somewhere on the map but too tiny to see.”

And of course, when she IM-ed me today and then call on the generosity of the United Nation, she said she is now in Kathmandu for the last few months trying to save the world with the peace keeping mission.

She's a wonder woman who does real things in helping others including for me when I needed helps. I never actually feel far from her no matter how far she is located.

She's my best friend. I met her in one of my previous work. Hard to describe her, really. She's tiny, she's fast and smart. Her mind and her feet are on a race to something or maybe away from something. I do not understand her completely. I just accept her.

Time would not allow us to talk about the latest fashion collection or the best skin treatment. Time only allowed us to give a quick update on each other then we would exchange strengthening words and prayers. We didn't even have time on our side to elaborate those prayers. We usually just said, “Ah that shit is too little to knock you down, I know you know what to do.” Then we will close the conversation saying, “I'm your family, OK bitch! Call me when you need me.” There, our friendship is now harder than ever.

I've been wanting to write something about friendship for the last couple of week when I saw a re-run of Friends on Star World. I don't know what's the title of the episode I watched, it was the one with Phoebe saying that one of her wish before she reached 30 was to have a wonderful kiss. Then she got the kiss from Joey who ran after her to make sure his friend got what she wished for.

What amazed me was Joey did it quite instantly, almost without thinking and without too many unnecessary blah blah. Joey lived in a fantasy New York.

To have friends who sincerely care and unhesitatingly do anything to make you happy should not be a fantasy.

Life is so precious and there are so many things we should be grateful about. Life should be more appreciated by not complaining to little things, among other things. To have a friendship strong enough like Joey and Phoebe's needs us to give time to the friendship. In time we will learn about each other then accepting one another. Valuing time also means we should prioritized between listening and talking. Make sure we have time to listen so stop talking once in awhile.

(article made on July 4, 2008 previously posted in my tumblr)

It is probably easier if I could kick and punch every person who make me mad. Or maybe it is a lot more satisfying if I could yelled every harsh words known in both Bahasa and English to the face of the person who make me mad.

The last time I tried to send some angry words to the person who made me mad, I had to ask my Plurk buddies for the best excoriation there is. Unfortunately nice sentence like “you are a peacock in everything but brain” was not a proper excoriation due to the English illiteracy of the person I sent the message to. Duh!!

To convert a guy as a punching bag is not an answer too. I mostly wear skirt and high-heel so it's quite hard to do all those foot steps, kicking and balancing.

To be angry is easy, To channel anger is hard.
This fact is my irritating fact at the moment. It became a serious discussion between me and my husband, Fajar, over the weekend. Because I rather be mad in a huge explosion when I was faced to a cowardice act and also idiotic. I am a person who try to do things appropriately and transparent. And when I failed to do so, I will never hold myself from apologizing. So I thought I was entitled to get a face-to-face confirmation when my act was questioned. Then when the person chose to open the question some other places excluding me, I would consider that rather cowardice.

So (again) here I am, angry, and thinking what is the proper way to channel this anger. Fajar said for me to collect all evidences and send them to those entitled to with a note saying that I was just doing my job as they ruled, and if anybody is refusing to do what's right then he should come to his senses before proceeding to anything. Surely I have all the evidences collected but I haven't sent the note. I don't have much faith on their commitment to what's ruled. Actually I haven't seen any commitment either. --ooopppss this one is confusing--

No, I will not send another e-mail to whole bunch of other people and “fishing in a muddy water”. If I have to defend myself, I will do it in much more integrity.

No, I will not place another excoriation on my Digsby status because I don't want to waste words on people who are too illiterate. On the second thought, they might understand the words but certainly think it is not meant for them. --clearly, I do not understand the exact word to describe such... character--

Forgiveness and forgetting
My friend LillyAnn, on Saturday, raise a subject on her Plurk about forgiveness She said forgiveness releases OURSELVES not necessarily the other person... You could read there too that I shared about how often I forgot I was mad to anybody. I guess I won't forget this particular one easily. I concluded for myself that to forgive is harder than to channel anger. Otherwise I will not write this. Yes, I understand now after I wrote this, that I am not just trying to channel my anger. It is because I haven't forgiven. Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh yes, it will be very hard to forgive any idiotic cowardice act especially when the anger itself haven't been properly channeled. --Gee, I gotta stop talking in circle, bad habit, bad habit!-- I have to go back to what LillyAnn said, I want to be released.

*!#%^$##^%#^$&#^%#*(^%##@%@$% !!!!! It's fuckin' hard !!!

Fajar said then I should channel this anger to something more physical like sport –certainly not by involving anybody as a punching bag-- I need a real punching bag, sand bag, whatever they called. I need to exercise maybe it will help me getting my shape back too. Maybe, just maybe, after those sweating activities I will be able to forgive. Hardly!

--Taking a deep breath-- I may still be angry and confuse how to channel my anger and certain that I won't easily either forgetting or forgiving. I'm still 31, still have a lot to learn. I see this as a good subject to learn. My husband said in this very subject I have a lot of improvement over the last 3-4 years. I'm glad. I know maybe until the end of my time I will never pass on the subject and certainly I will never quit on the subject too.

Yesterday, I hate for being a careful, self-controlled person I am. Today, I am that fortunate person who have a kind, smart, compassion husband who will always say what I need to hear. I am that fortunate person who have friends from around the world to share many thoughts, or to get cool excoriation from. I am glad I am one of those fortunate person who have access to many things including this lovely Tumblr.

I am that fortunate person who have a heaven filled with three little angels to go home to. And for this very one, no one's gonna beat me. No one will be powerful enough to make me feel low. I will go home this afternoon, and when I see my angels' faces, this anger will disappear. When my angels hold my hands, they will lead me to time where I will see I have forgiven.

(article made on June 30, 2008 previously posted in my tumblr)

I believe many people hold this one particular principle of keeping one's words. To keep promises or to do what said. Everybody or at least most people think it is part of a person's credibility so they expect other people to hold the same principal.

Skepticism aside, many also think that to help others a person should be able to at least help her/him self. Their basic needs should have been fulfilled. I too love to help others and wish to be able to help more but before I extend my hands, I will make sure my family is secured with their (at least) basic needs.

We are people of principles are we not?
When we promised a hungry man that he will receive 2 pieces of bread, we would bring him 2 pieces of bread. You came back to him bringing 2 pieces of bread and an empty stomach of yours. You could help him with 2 pieces of bread but you would be hungry and maybe you could get sick for not eating too. BUT HELL... YOU PROMISED HIM 2 PIECES OF BREAD! You are a man of your words.

I was promised of 2 pieces of bread. I did not have anything to get myself any bread at the moment. The man who promised me 2 pieces of bread came back hungry with 2 promised pieces of bread and asked to share the breads. BUT HELL... I WAS PROMISED 2 PIECES OF BREAD!

My other principle is to follow my heart. Be true to myself. And I failed. I failed when all of those principles collided on a cross road somewhere along my life line. My heart said I should let the man divided the breads between the 2 hungry people. Instead I followed one principle and made the man keep his words.

What would you do? How tough are you to stand a principle In the ancient or even the modern time, many open wars in many scales on the ground of principles. As if with one you are without guilt.

I have many principles in life and I dare to stand them. One principle colliding experience had told me there should be one principle stands above many others and that is compassion. And when compassion needs to be shown, one should do it unhesitatingly. At the risk of irritating you, I must add that The Lord Himself felt the necessity to rule this very line by sending His own son so we learn that there is only one principle in life. Love.

So now I will change my question; how far will you bend your principle in the name of love?