The Year 2008

2008 has not been a great year for me. It is probably one of the worst since I was brought into this world. And it is still in July.

2008 has been the year where my strength is being tested to the very last bit of its thread.
In the early days of the year, we got a news of my husband being HIV+.
The news did not stop there, it was followed with many facts which submerged along with the research we did on the disease, including the possibility that my youngest son who still 3 months old at the time might also has it.
Oh yes, I might have it too but then dismissed by a screening test which did not confirm us that my youngest son, Ilya, has the good news too.
I really want to be excused from the obligation to explain why is it so, but then again, to have a blog comes with a responsibility. So, here we go.

A baby could not be determined of being HIV+ until s/he reached over 6 months old, since the screening test is based on the amount of anti-HIV in the body. The baby could have the high level of anti-HIV passed from the mother but not necessary the virus itself. If the level of the anti-HIV did not reduce within 6 months then the possibility of HIV+ is increasing, then more tests should be done from time to time until confirmed positive or negative.

Yes, I passed the test. But it was the screening test which should be done every 3 months. It is possible that by the time I did the test, I was still in the window time, where my anti-HIV has not formed. If I passed my next screening test then we can also celebrate for Ilya.
I hope to have a party to arrange.

Now please, spare me of telling you how I deal with this ordeal. My emotional battle and so on and so on. I will just say, I have it. Yes, tears and all.
The next day I went to a bank, made a new education saving on the name of my daughter. I also rearranged my attitude toward some assholes at work so I could manage to temporary save my job. Sometime my survival mode disturbed my husband. It disturbed me too, very much, coz I really like it sometime if I could just crawl on the floor crying for days and feel sorry for our family, for my husband, for my babies, for myself, break down. But no matter how much I like that idea I could never manage myself to be in that point. I am this woman who mostly cried because if a huge anger not sadness.

Angry? Am I angry? Why should I? To what? To whom?
To God? No... I could never be angry to the One who have taken care of me to this very second and will to my very last breath.
Let's stop there. On God, I mean.
Because even that I am not angry to Him, I do not like to discuss Him.
So save your words of telling me to go to church, read bible or pray.
He is my most private business so butt out!!!

My first born son, Igo, is a sweet child. A handsome boy with the sweetest giggle to ears.
No music even the masterpiece could manage to out listed the sound of his giggles.
He is the first of everything in our family. First son, first grandson, first nephew. Yes, to both sides.
He is now 3 years and 5 months old and an autistic child.
He has not yet talked. He avoids eye contacts more than 2 seconds. He does that only to those he please. That goes with touching too. You can not touch him unless he initiates. He likes round stuff, wheels, balls, etc. He likes routines.
According to our little research on the net he might have a mild one. To have the assumption confirmed by a professional is like taking a punch on the stomach. I saw it coming and when it touched my belly, it hurt.

Igo will have his sessions with the professionals, very soon I hope. Igo will not be treated differently. He is our son who will receive everything he needs accordingly. Igo will be brought-up with love toward his own-chosen future. Period.

My husband, Fajar, will also receive his medical supports. It goes without saying.
I will not treat him differently too. I still pout when he whines.
I love him.
With that love comes all effort simply to make him happy.
Happiness could put extra seconds or maybe minutes to his life.
I want him to live. Period.

The year 2008 may not be the happiest year of my life but certainly the year that built me.
The year 2008 has not shaken me down and will not too.
I promise you, o dear 2008, by the time you're finished I will only count the bless you bring.
--------

Related post from the hubby