I am a hydrophobic, fear of water that is. Get me into a pool and you will see me sinking like a stone into the bottom of it, my body paralyzed in the water. Living in Kelapa Gading for the last 2 years had gotten me into two flood experiences which let my husband did all the wet activities all by himself.
I can still remember how it happened, a 5 years old walked all by herself on the beach, toward the sea, not realizing, busy collecting seashells. Then the ground disappear! No more to put my feet on. The water swallowed me. Rolled under water, gasping for air but drinking water instead. Then something bumped me. Big enough to hold, it was an adult's leg! He carried me back to the beach, put me on my stomach. The water went out. No more water other than bathing ever since. Never got myself close to any pool.
Then in April 2008 at the age of 31 years old, a company outing, I decided to face a river on a rafting activity. The lake was Citarik, the surrounding was gorgeous. The idea of facing my fear sounded so cool. More said to me not to do it, but it won't be me if I did what they said. I put on the life jacket, held my oar, put a proud face a little too soon. Then when the rubber raft hit the water and swayed by it, I couldn't help telling myself what a stupid idea it was. I cursed myself more vicious than I ever did to anyone in the world. It was only 100m away from the departing dock when we hit another raft between 2 giant rocks, our raft was literally folded like a sandwich by the water force from the back. All on board was thrown-out to the water. The water swallowed me. The life jacket made me spilled out by the dragon-mouth-like wave. But the dragon did not let me go so easily, I was swallowed back in, rolled back into the depth of the water and my right hand got stuck between 2 sharp rocks at the bottom of the river. Maybe that was the dragon's teeth. Needed 2-3 seconds to shake my hand out. On the surface a raft buddy already in a secure floating position and I fiercely held on to his life jacket until we all got rescued. I can still remember his expression when he saw me came out of the water, like he saw an ugly fierce dragon. Lucky he then realized I was not a dragon no matter how ugly my expression was. The next 4 kilometers of the river got through by ducking my body every time I saw some bumpy curves and that was not even instructed. When we reached the finish line I said, that was it? Horror had not even left my face.
I felt guilty for awhile for risking myself that way, I mean, I could've been so panic I couldn't let myself out from the rock and drowned. When I came back home, the guilt held me from telling the story to Fajar and for awhile looking to my children's eyes. I was fortunate God was there too at Citarik river. No, I will not do it again. Risking my life to proof something seems unnecessary. Next time I have to go facing a huge amount of water that will be when my children are in danger in it. Everytime I tried to excerpt a lesson from that decision, the picture of water swallowing me retained me from getting one. I hope by the time one of my children is to face a fear, wet or dry, I will have something good to say.
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